When I was coming to terms with my sexuality, ironically I found it so much easier to come out honestly to my parents than to my friends.
It wasn’t easy and still isn’t easy for them to swallow the concept of me being a deviant from the social norm of heterosexuality, but at least on some level to them, there was a chance I might fall for a guy. On the other hand it was a lot of the people that I had hoped to be my friends that were the ones that I found hardest to come out to, because frankly, I didn’t want them to be my friends, I wanted them all to be my lovers.
On that not, lets talk about the initial stages of me realising that I was a Bi-anything.
Initially I went through the regular route which is to go to a polytechnic or junior college before University and achieve some formal qualification after I attained my O’levels. I had banned the concept of having a “relationship” from my mind when I was early in secondary school and had been confessed to by a younger adorable junior, which freaked me out and subsequently made me go on a ruthless rampage of ignoring, antagonising and frustrating the people around me enough to destroy most of the friendships and relationships I had formed because I felt as though I had caused my junior to have unnatural feelings for me, somehow, without my knowing, and that I was an evil person and that the best thing for me, for everybody, was that I be left alone. I blamed myself for her affections because I was brought up as a staunch Christian who was taught that any form of sexual deviance was wrong, and was punishable by death, and I was horrified by the idea that I had somehow cause someone I loved to be fated with an eternity of pain and punishment. My immature thinking led me to believe that I was some sort of “converter of the innocent” and thought that if I rejected my own sexuality long and hard enough, I would be able to save others from being affected by the sin.
However once I graduated and finally allowed myself a few inches of breathing-space from the tight wound-up cocoon of shame I had created around me, I found myself oddly attracted to effeminate males and androgynous females, and once those around me started teasing me that I was a lesbian, it seemed the easiest way out instead of explaining to my friends who were already in a relationship with one another, that I didn’t just like Meredith; I liked Meredith & Alan and I could totally see myself in an M&A sandwich. In fact after a while when I found that my feelings weren’t reciprocated by most of the people I crushed on(though honestly I never once tried to express my feelings about any of them to any of them), I tried to convince myself that I was Asexual as I found myself liking people from afar, and being ok with just that.
Then my path changed and I went to Arts School. There I instantly fell in love with everyone. I am not kidding. I fell in love with the guy with brushed back hair and sultry eyes, who was buff and tanned and looked like he had walked out of a Vogue magazine.
I fell in love with the robot-stiff nerd in the corner, softly murmuring under his breath about his lost childhood. I fell in love with the wanton wayward girl who’s long black hair seemed to never have seen the tight cords of an elastic band, and I fell in love with the tall willowy strange girl with eyes that had seen the dark side of the ocean, who painted as though her hands were going to melt away if she didn’t paint fast enough.
The intensity of my love scared me. I was scared of how much I simply loved everyone. I loved their flaws, I loved their weaknesses, I loved their strengths, but most of all, I loved their uniqueness. When asked I would tell my friends, who I was also crushing on at the time, that I loved no one because for me even saying that I was a lesbian to their face was hard.
I felt as though if I couldn’t have all of their affection, I didn’t want any of their affection, and thus to most of the people I called my friends I identified as heterosexual at the time because most of all, I didn’t want to come across as some kind of horny bastard.
And at some point during one of the exam/presentation/mini-exhibitions, this tall plump tan male with large brown eyes and adorably-spiked hair leaned over to me, raised and eyebrow, and said ‘You’re Bi right?”
At this point I still hadn’t come out to my parents, which would happen years later, and I still hadn’t had a relationship yet. I was still hiding behind the lie that I was heterosexual and had been thinking that I was doing a pretty good job at it up to that point. I remember looking back at him, first in shock, then feeling completely mortified, but as I did it was as if something in my mind clicked, and all the lights turned on. I had always imagined that being “Bisexual” was for those beautiful femme fatales that I read online in erotic fiction or chanced upon in my dreams, but they were always the ones I wanted to be with, they were never me.
I remember violently rejecting the concept, which only seemed to amuse my classmate, and I fled the room appalled, thinking that he had some nerve suggesting something as ludicrous as that to me.
Subsequently every chance he got he would tap my shoulder and ask if I knew I was Bi, and even pointed out that he had the best Bi-dar ever because he was Bi too. I on the other had staunchly stuck to my claim of being heterosexual, and eventually he let it go, realising that I was knee-deep in denial and although he probably had good intentions at heart, I was just not ready to be honest with myself and everyone else.
And then I met the first person I first loved beyond all others. For now, let’s call her Judith.
Judith was like a beam of light in a sea of stars. She had this energy about her, and this smile that seemed to make my heart stop. Everything about her androgyny, her masculinity, her occasional feminine show – which still had a distinct edge of control and power, made my heart quicken, and I realised that the one thing that had been missing in this sea of stars, was my type, and Judith, was my type. She was sooooo fucking-yes-that-is-my-type.
And that is when I finally began to formulate a shred of sanity in my array of massive love-fest that I felt that I was having in my heart towards pretty much everyone I knew. Meeting Judith made me realise that yes, I may love every single one of these people, and yes, maybe on some level I am sexuality attracted and wouldn’t mind sleeping with any of these people, but the reason why I hadn’t even tried to drink from any of these tall glasses of refreshments was because I hadn’t met my flavour yet, and even though I could, my heart refused to drink anything that wasn’t the finest champagne, even if my mind wanted so badly to quench it’s thirst for diversity and uniqueness.
I was so drawn to Judith, that for the first time it was as if she drowned out the light of all the other stars, and there was only her, only us, only this. I fell hard in love with her, and I loved it, but I also hated it. Loving her forced me to be honest with others that I was attracted to girls, and not just in a mental capacity but in a physical way as well, and that made me really scared. On top of that the question of my sexuality arose and if I was interested in her, that meant that I was either lesbian or some other sexual deviant, and because of Judith’s painful past with girls that were Bi who had left her for boys who were…well…their type I guess, I didn’t want to be the next one in a line of broken hearts, and I decided to say that I was a lesbian.
The minute I did that, everything fell apart. In my heart I felt like there was always something off, always something a little bit wrong with the way I tried to represent myself. I tried to butch-up my outfits, but I ended up looking really trashy, or I’d try to leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, which was worse. I also always felt awkward as I was terrible in heels and a mini-skirt at the time. Nothing seemed to work, and that caused a strain on all my friendships and relationships at the time, and Judith and I eventually drifted apart, never to re-connect ever again.
And so I continued with the idea that I was a lesbian, because it was easier to pretend that I was only into girls, but harder to feel comfortable admitting that once the spark died when it came to Judith, all the stars started to shine brighter than ever on my radar.
Then I met my brightest star ever; my current love of my life. Let’s call her Sun.
She was the first lesbian that when I told her that I was Bi, she gave me this slow slanted smile and shook her head, laughing softly as though she had always been able to see my Bi-wings fluttering beneath the surface of an old lie I had been telling in order to protect myself, and found it highly amusing. Eventually after we got together, over an intimate dinner, I tearfully admitted to her, that I was Bi. I had been waiting for the table-flip and the “How could you not tell me?”, but instead she smiled and took my hands, and told me that I didn’t matter, as long as I was Sun-sexual, it didn’t matter. That took my breath away. That ability to be so open, honest and sincere, made me feel at ease finally for the first time in my life, to be able to be open, honest and sincere as well.
It is under her great love and care that I finally managed to say the same to other people, especially people I considered friends, that I was Bi and quite settled on it, because being Bi for me I feel is not about being in several relationships at one time. It’s not even about being in one or the other kind of relationship at anytime, I feel as though its the capacity to see the wonder and beauty in people and to love them for just those things.
I’m not saying that I love absolutely everyone, but I do admit to having multiple crushes on a crazy number of people and that I really truly felt as though I was falling in love with each and everyone of the people that I crushed on, and that if any of them had showed any sign of reciprocation, I probably would have accepted whole-heartedly simply because I had found that person, regardless of being a male or female, to be incredibly beautiful, sexy and intelligent, and I would have wanted to snog them silly.
What sets my Sun apart from everyone else is that not only is she my type, but she loves me so thoroughly, and so unconditionally, that I could never imagine for a second that I would want to be with anyone else.
Sun is so sweet, so solid, so sensible and so brave that there is no one I’d rather be with, in this life or the next, and it’s the look in her eyes and the smile on her lips that makes me want to stay, always. She also has the the last four seasons of Once Upon a Time on DVD, a fantastic CD collection of indie musicians that I love, a refined taste for fine dinning and knows how to dress to impress, just to give you guys a lil taste of the kind of person she is. *winks*
Living openly as a bisexual has made me so much more confident and so much less self-loathing such that my current relationship has been going strong and I do believe it will remain so for a long long time to come. I believe my love, although vast, is very deep and very real, and isn’t fickle at all because at the end of the day, when you are single, everything is an ocean, but when you fall in love, that person is the ocean.
Being Bi might not seem to be the hardest sexual orientation around, but I believe that everyone, no matter what sort of sexual deviant you are, has the right to love, and I hope that more schools will become inclusive of more liberal education in regards to sexuality because it took me ten years to realise why I was so depressed for such a long time, and I wish I had known then what I know now, so that I would have been able to have more meaningful relationships instead of just pushing everyone away.
As a disclaimer I am not talking on behalf of all Bi people, I’m just talking on behalf of me, interpreting my love, and my journey as a young Bisexual female, and how it’s taken me a long time to come to this point where I finally feel happy and confident in my own skin.
If any of your have you own stories and journeys about what it means to be Bi to you, feel free to write it in the comment section below, it would be great to know that I’m not alone~ 🙂