“For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
- Psalms 103: 11-12
I’m not trying to be preachy, or to claim to know or understand more than I do. I simple want to heal. This year has been the epitome of between a rock and a hard place, and as it comes to a close, I realize that no matter what has transgressed between all the negative incidents, there is one thing that remains, and that is that I do love them, my parents, and despite everything that they said, and I said, and we all cried about, I will always love them, and that will never change.
I got so angry and full of regret and fear for losing them, that I started to become the worst version of myself, and that has made me physically ill and very exhausted, and has really drained what little time I have left with them. Even though they might no longer enjoy my presence or my company, I still really do care about them, and the least I could do for myself is give myself the chance to say goodbye while I still have it.
My faith has been my guiding light for years, and yes you could say I am a blasphemy because I identify as a bisexual and yet I turn to God for guidance, but in this life, when we die, it really will just be Him and me, and it won’t matter what my parents think about me, because I’ll be the one taking the punishment for my sins, so the most I can do is struggle to find the light and work on keeping to the path that God wants me to travel on, and help as many other struggling individuals such as myself to find the way as well.
So I have decided to shake of the hate. Shake of the drama, and even shake of the worry and fear, because it’s doing nothing for me. I love my parents, and I love my partner, and I really love and appreciate the friends that have shown me what real friendship looks like, in the face of darkness and terror and depression, and I want to keep it that way, because if God can forgive even the utmost evilest person in the world if they repent and ask for forgiveness, then who am I to hold a grudge or be angry and upset against the very people who brought me into this world. If giving them permanent space is what they ask for after 25years of living with me, then so be it, but I refuse to leave behind a memory of hatred and pain, I choose to forgive, I choose to love because God has already forgiven them and it is only right for me to do the same.
I’m sure a lot of you might think me stupid or ignorant or idiotic for suddenly turning 360 degrees but my heart has always had a lot of love for the people I love, and I feel that this life is not worth living if I can’t love the ones who I love. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to subject myself to any further abuse, but that does mean that I’m going to move on from this point, and wish them the very best of the best, because at the end of the day, there were days of magic just as much as there were days of madness, and neither of those memories do I want to leave behind, just because I have to leave the flat. The flat is also just a physical entity, the home was where they were, but in this new life I’m creating for myself I’m also going to redefine the concept of “home”, and that in itself is actually really exciting.
Life is such a strange thing, but at the end of the day I might be leaving, but I know that I’m walking into the arms of my ultimate Sunshine, and I think it’ll be OK, with her, with God and with all the new an exciting challenges life is eagerly crafting for me because that verse applies to me as well, and in Him, I know I will always find myself and my sense of peace.