This is a bit of a depressing blog, so if you’re not really in to that sort of thing, just a heads up. I’m struggling and I feel alone at this point and I kind of don’t have anyone to turn to… at midnight… so I’m just letting out some of my thoughts and feelings here to help me process.
So basically I’ve been having a really bad toothache for two weeks now and the pain has forced me to take at least 4 to 6 panadols a day. I finally booked an appointment with me dentist for tomorrow but I am so worried it’s going to be like me previous tooth problem where I had to get it pulled out. The result of that was that I was in pain for two weeks, had to go back to the dentist for further check ups, followed by another two weeks of pain.
The pain currently is so bad that I haven’t been able to eat an apple for at least two days and trying to get through capsicum and lettuce makes me cry. With the thoughts of weightloss weighing on my mind I feel scared and angry that I won’t be able to achieve my goal and am starting to feel like giving up again. Already the weighing scale is showing shamefully pathetic weightloss and I don’t know what to do.
Worst still, yesterday I went down for a brief run and some vigerous excersie and this morning after eating breakfast I literally vomited and passed out for two hours, couldn’t eat anything for most of the day and had ramen with sausage for dinner because it was the only thing I could eat without crying.
I am so scared that after my appointment tomorrow things are going to get worse. And my girlfriend won’t be there because obviously she has work, so I’m freaking out on my own.
I know that I can handle this, but I also feel so depressed about it. I wish I was more successful. I think of the times when I had a healthy body and a good figure and I feel so frustrated that I can’t get back to where I was. I feel so frustrsted that I can’t eat any fruits and vegetables. I feel even more frustrated that I can’t afford a smoothie or a pressed juice and that I don’t own a juicer or any kind of appliance that can help me turn fresh fruits and vegetables into liquids that I can actually consume.
Right now. I wish I had taken better care of myself so that I wouldn’t have all these cavaties that are preventing me from getting healthy food into my system. I’m so angry with myself, and lost at what to do. I really hope that tomorrow’s dental appointment turns out ok. And I really hope that I one day can make more money than my current very very basic salary so that I can buy a juicer and actually have a healthy option aside from water and store bought juice which we all know is mostly just sugar.
Ok goodnight love, talk to you again tomorrow after I go under the bright lights of the dental chair. Wish me luck.