So for the longest time I have tried dieting in order to loose the weight. I have documented it, read about it, vlogged about it and even blogged about it recently. It’s been an uphill battle that has worn me down and made me feel rather small in comparison to people who have been successful at it. And then that’s when I realised that it was not the diet that was the problem, it was the depression, and in order to tackle both successfully, I need to deal with the cause first so that I can implement the solution.
I have had depression for a long time. Probably started when I was a kid and continued from there. I don’t have all the facts because I can’t remember things properly, and when I do remember things, they come out disjointed and foggy, like riding on a train in snow storm. However I’m working towards changing that. I’m finally getting help. I saw a counsellor a few weeks back, and now am going to see a psychiatrist sometime next month. I am keeping the faith that with these little steps, I will eventually get to the finishing line, and then after that be able to rebuild my life again. There are many things that I regret, have lost and have not accomplished in my life, but I’m not giving up on myself and my journey towards being fit and healthy, both mind and body. It is hard when most people judge me erroneously due to my sudden mood changes. Blaming me for “Faking” my intentions to lose the weight or get help, calling me ‘dramatic’ and ‘self-centred’, however because I come from a place where two years ago I didn’t even know I had depression to begin with, I feel that it’s a very hard thing to understand in the first place, and I refuse to believe that it’s something that I can just “get over” like so many people have told me to in my lifetime. When I fell down and scrapped my knee, I didn’t just “get over” it, no, I washed it, cleaned the wound, and the body took two weeks to heal it and two years for the scar tissue to gradually look like regular skin again. So if a physical wound took so much time, I think an internal and mental wound that has gone unchecked for literally 2 decades might need a lot more than a few sarcastic words form someone who is not me, to heal years of pain and loss.
I wish that there had been more education about mental disorders when I was younger, but there wasn’t, and even now I feel that there is not enough in schools. The stigma is really unfortunate as if I had a cold, I was immediately sent home and given medical treatment. But if I say I’m cold inside I was told to stop being so dramatic and ignored. Now doctors are saying I might be possibly traumatised by my childhood events and may have borderline personality disorder, which is frustrating because I don’t know what any of that means, really. Watching videos on youtube is great but it’s like someone talking to you about having your leg cut off, verses having your leg cut off. How do you learn to live again? Are there any physical therapy classes I can go to? Is there any point in it anyway?
For a while I thought that my weird weight loss and weight gain was because I was lazy and stupid. Now I find out it’s because of my imbalance in hormones and all sorts of other mental problems that have been upset due to my past. The frustration only seems to build, like water just about to cascade down into a river. I feel frightened and agitated by the very thought of being labeled or driven by these rollie-pollie cells in my brain that don’t seem to be able to stay still any more. I also wonder if the abuse was the cause of it.
So yeah, please forgive me that the Diet Diaries must be put on a hold for a while. I have decided to focus on my art as a way to relieve the stress of this particularly frustrating stage in my life. I have not been given a concrete diagnosis yet so this tethering on a line is a balancing act that I feel that I know well, but if I’m to look at a weighing scale or at another piece of fruit I just might tip over the edge and plunge into a ravaging system of dogged excercise and ruthless scrutiny of every morsel that I consume. The fun is then sucked out of the process completely and I normally end such adventures with a panic attack, so I think I’m better of with less scrutiny and more cereal bars until I get my head and my heart working together as one entity again.
I hope that this might be insightful to those of you who are not suffering from weight gain and depression, and I hope that for those who are, you don’t feel so alone. This is a hard process, and I had to cut myself off from my family because they are unfortunately, a huge part of the problem, so I’ve been going this road alone, with my dearest girlfriend to support me, so if you’re looking for a picture of perfect family fantasy, you should look elsewhere. I got kicked out of the family house for being bi last year christmas, and I’ve been trying to deal with the bitterness, the angry and the pain ever since. This road to recovery might end up that I don’t have a mother and a father to confide in, but I am holding out that my friends like you and the lovely people who have been by my side from the get go will continue to be my family, because although I might not say it often, I really do love all of you, especially those of you who talk to me, comment on my blogs, give me faith and comfort to go on. I’m sure you too understand what it’s like to be rejected and hurt. And that’s why I keep creating things. To get my mind off the sorrow and the pain, to find a light in the shadows. A path in the woods.
So yeah, you guessed it, more art coming your way soon :3
P.S. Thank you for reading about my heart’s troubles.