Writing about an FTM character

Hi guys! So if you are new to my blog, hi, I’m Ai, a Bisexual Demisexual CIS girl who creates comics online on Tapastic. I create comics with LGBTQ characters featured as most of my inspiration comes from friends and inspirational people in my life, as well as my own experiences. Having said that you might be wondering why I am talking about FTM when I am clearly not going through the process of transitioning or anything related to that.

The thing is, when I was born, my whole entire family thought I was a boy. I even had a psychic swear that I was born with two souls, one as a male and one as a female. This has always led me down a road of confusion. (The irony is that coming out as bisexual got my kicked out of my house so that has left me even more confused but apparently it’s a religious issue and not a gender issue. )

I have also had spiritual encounters, which I’m still not comfortable talking about yet, but because of those things I, for a while, thought I was going to head towards transitioning to become male because something within me cried out to be more male than female. Because of that, I spent a long part of my youth questioning whether or not I should seek answers to that voice within me.

I have since decided to settle on being CIS female, but it hasn’t really changed that I feel masculine inside, and it is this struggle to understand myself that has always, I feel, led me to characters that are also dealing with that struggle in their own way.

In my newest comic, “The Boy of my Dreams“, it is actually based on a dream I had when I was about 14-15. I dreamt that I was a complete stranger living somewhere in London. I had long flowing blonde hair which was dyed black at the edges, and I had a really tough relationship with my parents which led me to run away several times. At the end of the dream I had no way of saving this beautiful stranger from their fate, and when I woke up I felt cold and alone, and  remember crying, because something within me felt that I hadn’t had a dream, but I had lived in another human being’s body for one day, seen the world through their eyes, and that somewhere out there, that person is still struggling to live their life and be themselves, in a sea of overbearing darkness.

So this story is for him, as well as for me. I wish there was more FTM representation so that I can understand what I am going through, and have a way to express the inner turmoil. It is not easy, and I do not take this issue lightly at all. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’m going to take my time to really do what I feel is true to Ryan as a fictional character, as well as to me as a CIS female who struggles with gender identity.  I apologise before hand, but if this could, in any way, help the boy on the other side of that dream mirror, then this is what I give to you, lone stranger, a piece of my heart.

I have to be very honest, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll get things wrong, or maybe trigger someone, or be an idiot about something, but if there is even the tiniest chance that who knows, maybe this will be something that helps others like me, even if the LGBTQ community laugh at me or call me an idiot, I’m just trying my best to do what I can. If it turns out to be really strange and embarrassing I apologise before hand, but if this could, in any way, help the boy on the other side of that dream mirror, then this is what I give to you, lone stranger, a piece of my heart.

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